i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
