You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
