WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
He better not be in your backpack
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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