evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
