now i know why i became what i already was.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
