I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
My dick has a subreddit
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
