"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Randomize
