we have pet lesbian snakes
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
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