Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
