i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
i now understand why vodka
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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