Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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