rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
