Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I did not marry a roomba.
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