After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
