Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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