Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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