I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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