I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
