also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
