I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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