chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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