Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
