i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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