Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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