Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
