my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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