I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
