So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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