I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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