Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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