a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
