From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
