How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
