I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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