I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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