im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Redeem this text for a blowjob
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
