Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Randomize
