I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
