I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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