i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
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