Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
