its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
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