I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
