Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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