Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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