Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
