He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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