How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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