Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
