and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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